As a believer, one thing that you may desire is a mate. Whether you’re a man or woman, God said he would give us the desires of our heart. And Proverbs 18 – 21 it says that he that find a wife finance a good thing and obtained in favor of word. The first thing we have to understand is if God is going to give us a mate, we have to make sure were walking the walk with God that he wants us to. We have to make sure that were putting God first.
Three college friends and I sat in a hotel lounge, chatting about our younger days. “What was I thinking? The signs were all there, telling me he was Mr. Wrong,” one of them said as she sipped her latte. “I didn’t see the red flags ‘cause I was too busy being in love with the idea of being loved.”
“Me too,” my other friend said. “Why didn’t someone write the book on how to find the man of your dreams?”
All four of us chuckled. We graduated from the same college, lived in the same dorm. And, though none of us would admit it, we shared similar restlessness about finding the right man. We attended classes but in that college campus, what we secretly studied was the male population, hoping one of them would be husband material.
In general, the search was fun. But at times, high expectations ended up in deep disappointment. And other times, the “love” we chased ended up with heartache chasing us instead.
But even with a few scars, we made it through. And now after three of them divorced, leaving me as the only one who is still married to my college sweetheart, we possess a wealth of insight. Most of which comes from experiences lived, episodes endured, and lessons learned in the classroom of pain.
How different our lives would have been if we only had the wisdom to heed these signs.
How many of us have been hurt by past relationships and maybe even marriages? Why do people get married then divorced? There are many reasons, but God is not the author of divorce. When we get married we need to stay married and through the storms of life and a marriage, with God’s help we can withstand any storm that may come our way.
I don’t believe that society’s definition of “soul mate” is healthy or spiritual. It’s great for the movies and Hallmark cards, but no one’s marriage is like the romantic movies you’ve seen.
A good friend of ours is divorcing her husband because she bought into the lie that God wants us to “be happy” in marriage and that He would bless the idea that her happiness would be found when she was freed from her current spouse to find her one, true “soul mate.”
Like most other people, she has this fantastical, unreal notion that God brings together two lost hearts who experience true compatibility in all the deepest longings of their being. Most people think that your soul mate is someone with whom you never argue and spend endless days of hand-clinching romantic walks on the beach. No hardships, no struggles, just starry-eyed wonder for the next 80 years.
The truth is, a soul mate isn’t someone you find, it’s someone you intentionally and prayerfully become.
Anyone in a successful marriage can tell you that “success” in marriage doesn’t come from finding that one person you were meant to be with. It only comes from giving up the selfish behavior that served you while you were single, and focusing on selflessly serving your spouse instead.
A happy marriage requires a completely different mindset than the 50/50 concept most couples enter into marriage with. The idea that “If I do my 50 percent and Sabrina does her 50 percent, we will have a happy marriage” is ridiculous. Sabrina and I are both imperfect people and we both make mistakes on a daily basis. One of us will always feel disgruntled, thinking that we are contributing more to the happiness of the relationship than the other.
The only way to have a happy marriage is if I take the selfish focus off of myself and put 100 percent of my energy into serving Sabrina and she does the same with me. If I am focused 100 percent on serving Sabrina, I don’t even realize when my needs and desires aren’t being met, because I’m not focused on my needs and desires, but hers.
When we enter into a marriage we have to enter into with 100% commitment. We must put her needs above the need of our mate. Just like we must put God first and everything else will fall in line like it’s supposed to. We cannot truly be successful unless we put God first.